SENIOR DATING: GETTING BACK INTO THE GAME
Seven years ago, my husband passed away and I found myself living alone. After a long and happy marriage, I missed the warmth, intimacy and companionship of having a man in my life and started looking for ways to fill that void. Las Vegas can be quite a difficult place to meet people, so I decided to step out of my comfort zone and test drive a few different online dating sites for seniors.
After about six months of dating, I met a very nice man. Our relationship lasted for two years until he developed Alzheimer’s and moved into an assisted living facility. The end of that relationship coincided with my 80th birthday and the beginning of ‘Senior Style Bible.’
So here I am once again, now at 81, jumping back into the dating game; A journey that I will be sharing with all of you. I have high hopes of meeting someone new because I don’t believe that love and intimacy have an expiration date. It’s never too late to meet someone wonderful. People don’t really change that much, we all crave love and companionship. It’s just that somewhere along the line we lose the courage to try new things, we get stuck in our ways, and that is how people get old. They stop going out. They stop embracing life. They stop being curious. They become jaded. They lose interest in meeting new people and having new experiences. In order to age well, we need to behave as our younger selves did. We need to try new things, challenge ourselves and take some risks. That means putting ourselves out there socially and romantically.
After talking to many senior women, I began to realize that there was a real need to talk about senior dating and how to pursue relationships later in life. Not many people are talking about it in a really authentic way and as a result, senior women are wary of exploring new relationships after being divorced or widowed. I have listened to a myriad of concerns, ranging from loss of confidence in appearance, to fear of rejection, to fear of becoming sexually active again.
Many older women think that their romantic life is over. I think that’s because they mistakenly believe that senior men are only interested in pursuing younger women. Our insecurities are fueling a fear of intimacy, which in turn has become a great excuse to ignore mature sexuality. There is this outdated notion that sex is no longer important to women once they get older. That women lose their sex appeal once they hit a certain age. That being sexy, and having an active and enjoyable sex life, is reserved exclusively for the young. Don’t buy into any of that nonsense! I can tell you that at 81, my love and sex life is still far from over. So if I’m still in the game at this late date, you can be too.
Age is simply an attitude. How do you want to play it out? Do you want to sit on the sidelines and miss out on all of the fun, or step up, take some risks and play your heart out until the last inning with the rest of the world? In order to do that, you have to get past that first hurdle, which is deciding that taking some risks is part of life.
Of course there is no guarantee that you will find Mr. Right straight out of the gate. It takes time and patience and a healthy sense of humor to be out there dating, regardless of your age. One thing I can guarantee is that you will have fun and an endless supply of funny dating stories to tell your friends. As for being too old to attract a new partner, let me assure you, most senior men actually want a woman with shared life experiences, who can also relate to his friends and family. The guy looking for a lady thirty years his junior so that he can boost his ego, while simultaneously convincing himself his bank account is not the attraction, is no loss.
This is the first blog in a new series on senior sex and dating. Twice a week I will be covering a wide array of topics like… how to meet men, online dating tips, preparing for that first date, and the do’s and don’ts of senior dating. We will also be discussing body image, concerns that we no longer have the body of our youth, and other issues that interfere with physical intimacy. We will be taking a critical look at ourselves to determine what we are looking for in a relationship, how to overcome our insecurities, and how to build self-confidence before venturing into the world of dating. I look forward to hearing your feedback and sharing in your personal journeys as well!
~ Dorrie
Senior Style Bible
• Monday: Fashion
• Tuesday: Sex & Dating
• Wednesday: Fashion
• Thursday: Sex & Dating
• Friday: Beauty & Wellness
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This is a wonderful idea, Dorrie, and much needed. I’m looking forward to it!
Thanks Fran! I think it’s going to be a great series. I’ll be posting about dating on the blog twice a week…. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Please share with others….it’s going to contain a lot of really practical advice. ~ Dorrie
Great idea…I just sent this blog post to my mom…she started looking again many years ago, but gave up! Being in a wonderful marriage myself, I’ve always hoped she could find the same thing. jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Hi Jodie. The series is going to be very practical and informative, peppered with a few of my own funny experiences for everyone’s amusement. I think half the battle is understanding the process of what it takes to successfully get back out there after being single for a while. I want to break through some of the mental barriers that we all have, and share some practical ideas, so that it becomes a much less daunting prospect and more of a fun adventure. I hope your mom tunes in. ~ Dorrie
I’m really looking forward to these posts.
Great idea!
bisous
Suzanne
Thanks Suzanne. I’m really enjoying writing them. I didn’t realize there was so much to say on the topic until I sat to and started to write them out. I hope women will find them informative as well as inspirational. ~ Dorrie
I was widowed when I was 60 and met and married again when I was 66. Sadly my second husband died but we had six very happy years together. Now at age 78 I have been seeing a great guy for the past three years. Dorie is right. It is never too late to find a good friend and companion.
You have to be willing to be open to the idea.
Thanks for sharing that with us, Jill. I think it’s important to share our stories and our victories with one another. Sometimes we all just need a little inspiration! ~ Dorrie
I look forward to the upcoming series. I’m 76 and have not even wanted to date after a disastrous relationship/second marriage to an alcoholic when I was 49 that lasted 10 years. I simply love my own space and time with my family and just can’t trust another man anyway. A couple of years ago I met a man through a friend. We emailed for a few months and had SO much in common. I finally agreed to meet him for brunch. The conversation went on and on but he seemed so needy and began to list all the places he wanted to go with me. He wasn’t close to his children, who lived out of state and clearly was lonely. I moved where I am now to be closer to one of my sons and grandchildren and don’t feel lonely. When I expressed hesitation at “going all in” he showed frustration and grabbed my arms and told me to “listen to what he was saying.” I said OK, thanked him for a lovely brunch and when I got home I noticed bruises on my arms where he had grabbed me. I blocked his phone number. He emailed and asked why I did that. I explained why and he denied grabbing my arms. So I think I’ll be alone now forever but I’m not lonely. In any case, I’ll enjoy your stories.
Jan, I understand your feelings! Good for you for protecting yourself. I’m also comfortable being on my own, having had unfortunate experiences with men in the past. In my own case, I think at least half the trouble is that I just don’t have good judgement when it comes to men. Some things leftover from childhood can linger and linger in spite of therapy and other positive life experiences, like having a good relationship with a loving son. So I just don’t think about having a relationship any more and may even miss some good opportunities because of this. Even if I’m comfortable alone, being in an actually loving relationship could be even better. I’m not opposed to the idea — I think I just don’t trust myself, and so miss out.
Fran, I know I don’t trust myself and I know it all dates back to childhood. I have spent thousands on therapy and intellectually “know myself” but when it comes to translating what I know to potential relationships, everything comes apart. My friends are in two camps about me…some are happy for me and wish they could feel good about being on their own, others believe I’m missing out on new possibilities. I’d like to be more open but kind of feel “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” 🙂
I think that being able to be happy and comfortable on one’s own is a gift, a useful skill, and something worth role-modeling. If you’re happy with your life as it is, why should you try to change it?
At the same time, if I accidentally met a wonderful man who was interested in me, I’d be willing to at least get to know him, and see if my (adult) son agrees that the man is wonderful — I often think that men can see things about other men that some of us women miss (and vice versa).
Hi Fran, Thanks so much for your insightful, and thought provoking comments. After reading your comment exchange with Jan, I have decided to
write a blog that is dedicated to discussing character, and ways in
which we can determine if our date, or new friend, is a good choice. So
please stay tuned. ~ Dorrie
Dorrie, thank you for the lovely compliment 🙂 I think that writing about how to discover someone’s character is a good idea. Some of us have had the unfortunate habit of plunging ahead even when we see the red flags waving, however. But there’s always hope that we won’t repeat mistakes we made in our 20s, 30s, and 40s when we’re in our 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, isn’t there? We shouldn’t give up on ourselves, just learn to be more careful!
Jan, I have to say, I can completely relate. I have been married three times. The first two, not so wonderful, the third was a keeper and we were together for 26 years until he passed away at the age of 90 about 7 years ago. Throughout my life I have had a few long periods where I was dating. Some were lovely, some were not. I’m so sorry that you had an encounter with a gentleman who clearly had some issues. I can understand how an incident like that could put you off meeting new people, but you have been commenting on blog for a while, and I feel like you are a friend, so I’m going to speak to you like one. We cannot control the actions of others but we can control how we react to them. In cases like yours, when someone has acted a little “nutty” I laugh. I go out, have a few glasses of wine and recount the whole sordid story to a friend. We laugh at how crazy some people can be, and then I let it go. Please don’t allow the stupid actions of others crush your enthusiasm for meeting new people. Maybe you won’t find a new beau, maybe you don’t want one, but it’s so nice to go out and meet new people on a regular basis. It’s never too late to find love…and if that’s not of interest anymore….make a few new friends. So glad you are enjoying the blog!! I enjoy your comments immensely. ~ Dorrie
PS: After reading your comment exchange with Fran, I have decided to write a blog that is dedicated to discussing character, and ways in which we can determine if our date, or new friend, is a good choice. So please stay tuned. ~ Dorrie
Great….I look forward to that blog. I’m always tuned into your blog!
Thanks so much for your response. I’m touched that you would take the time. At times I DO allow others to affect my attitudes although while it’s happening I don’t see that. I appreciate your words of wisdom. I feel as if you’re a friend, too.
Jan, thank goodness you listened to the warning voice in your head! That date of yours was clearly bad news. Yes, there are some crazy, controlling men out there and some who are flat broke and want to be 100% supported and nursed when they get sick. Some poor widowers can’t stand to be alone and want to replace a loved wife as quickly as possible with a new one. That is a bad idea. It is wise to be cautious and always do a background check. Looking carefully before you leap is good advice and so is getting a prenuptial if you plan to get married. Be honest about what you are looking for and what you are willing or not willing to do. For example I would not be happy to move miles from where I live. I want to see my family on a regular basis. There are good, decent older men who are not con artists and needy. It is a matter of not being in a hurry and settling for some man who is not really a soul mate.
Hi Dorrie! Hi Ladies! Thank you for being who you are on this blog! Just to let you know i’ll be following ( and learning!,) from Italy,
Sorry for my English, by the way….
Xo
So happy to have found this blog and looking forward to reading each and every one. Your blog on senior dating and getting ready to date is Right On!! I am dating after my 45-year marriage ended with my husbands death 4 years ago. It wasn’t east to get started, but I am so happy to be in this stage of my life. Thank you and I look forward to reading and enjoying everything you write.
Dorrie, what is it that you look for in a man and how has that changed thru out the years?
Hi Dorrie, Just finding you, but then again still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am a senior at all (I turned 60 in 2017). But I appreciate your blog already and will be pouring over it, especially the dating info as I am a bit lonely after a 17 year relationship ended about 7 years ago. Thank you for being there.