MENTALLY PREPARING TO DATE
Once you’ve taken some time to pamper yourself, you will be looking and feeling beautiful, self-confident, and ready to take on the world. At this point, you’re almost ready to plunge into the dating game, but not quite yet. There’s one more step to go. It’s important to be mentally prepared. That means taking the time to do an honest inventory of your emotions, expectations, and attitudes about men in general. You can’t expect a good outcome if you go into dating carrying the baggage of your last relationship. You need to be in a good place to accept a new relationship. If you are still mourning a loss or harboring anger over a divorce or breakup, then you may need to talk that through with a friend or a therapist to let it go. All of us have had bad experiences in our lives that can affect future relationships and our ability to trust. We need to accept that it is a part of life, grow from those experiences, and leave them behind us. It’s impossible to focus on the future with one foot embedded in the past.
Once you are free of any anger or negative feelings, it’s time to decide what you are looking for in your next relationship. Have you really thought about it? Most of us tend to simply fall into relationships without really considering what we want and need to make us happy. These things constantly change, so it’s essential to take stock of where you are in your life and what you are looking for. Is it a friend, a casual relationship with or without physical intimacy, love, or marriage? Are you willing to relocate for Mr. Right? How important is his education, financial status, politics, religion, and family to you? Is it important that you have common interests? Before you plunge into dating or a relationship, these are important things to consider.
I say this because when I first started dating, I did not take the time to seriously consider what I was looking for. As a result, I didn’t realize that I was settling for less than I really wanted. I can tell you from experience that settling doesn’t work. I initially began dating again as a senior about seven years ago. I decided to get back out there several months after my third husband died. He was the love of my life, but life goes on, and I was lonely, so I decided to give online dating a whirl. After several months and many unsuccessful dates, I met a very nice man with whom I shared many interests and fell into a comfortable but loveless relationship. I suppose I told myself that this was as close as I would get to “Mr. Right” and that no man could replace my husband, so I settled for a compromise. That relationship lasted for two years. Sadly, he developed Alzheimer’s and is now living in a care facility. We are still great friends, and I see him often, but I’m back to dating again, having learned a very important lesson… this time around I definitely won’t settle or compromise what I’m looking for in a man. If I enter into another committed relationship, it will have to include love.
Please note that I have specified “committed relationship” because I am not opposed to exploring the possibility of a “friend with benefits.” I think we are savvy enough to recognize that times have changed, and today a satisfying sexual relationship does not always need to be an affair of the heart. For many seniors, this is quite a new concept and one that takes some time and consideration. It’s not for everyone; however, there’s nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy and companionship without feeling the need to pursue a committed relationship. Many seniors have already had their “big love” and are emotionally committed to that memory. I have spoken to many women who like living on their own and are not looking to remarry but crave affection, physical intimacy, and the occasional companionship of a man.
On the flip side of the coin, there are some women simply looking for friendship or a romantic but non-physical relationship. I have spoken to many women who seem to have lost the desire for sexual intimacy after menopause. This is a subject I will be discussing in much greater depth, but for now, let’s look at that from a relationship standpoint. If you are not interested in physical intimacy, then that is something that you need to be clear about when dating. Some men will be willing to enter into a relationship that does not include a sexual component, and some will not, but it requires an honest and open chat from the beginning. I know that sounds daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. The subject doesn’t have to be broached in a serious manner in the first five minutes, but after a few dates, you should feel comfortable enough to have a casual, light-hearted conversation about sex that leads to discussing where you both are. Let’s not forget that despite the Viagra revolution, some older men still have performance issues and may very well be looking for the same type of companionship. Don’t be afraid to be honest. It may feel awkward talking about something so personal with a virtual stranger, and occasionally it is, but awkward moments can be funny. So have a laugh about it. There’s really no painless shortcut when getting to know someone new. Sorry, ladies, if I had a magic recipe for cutting through the hard stuff, I would share it, but I don’t. However, I promise that you will walk away from many of these encounters laughing really hard. These stories will make great cocktail conversation with your friends, I promise.
The last step of mentally preparing to date is preparing for some rejection. Yes, no matter how wonderful you are, it will probably happen. You go out on that first date, have a great time, and you never hear from him again. It’s part of the game, and you cannot take it too personally. You will probably never know the reason why he didn’t call, and it really does not matter. Getting out there means taking risks, and that can be scary. It means accepting that dating will inevitably include some disappointment. Senior dating is not really much different than dating was when we were in our teens and twenties. It can be fun, funny, wonderful, and occasionally hurtful. It’s a numbers game, and you need to prepare yourself for the failures, as well as the fun. I have been doing this for a few years now, and I have met some wonderful people, but you have to go into it with the right attitude. It takes time, and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince. If you can keep it lighthearted and enjoy the process of meeting new people, you will automatically exude the right attitude without even trying.
In our upcoming “Dating Game” segments, we will be talking about: Where to find Mr. Right, Senior dating websites, Photos and profiles that bring results, The do’s and don’ts of senior dating, How to tell Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong. I’ll also be sharing some of my amusing dating experiences with you, and hope you will do the same in the comments section.
~ Dorrie
Senior Style Bible
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Well, you don’t really have to *kiss* all those frogs, do you? Just having coffee with them should be enough!
Enough for sure! Some of the time you do need a drink of something stronger.
You write so well – I love your practical, and thoughtful advice
Thanks,I really appreciate that. With the feedback I am getting from both ladies and men I find there is much more to talk about on this subject.
These blog posts are going to be very enjoyable.
Thanks Jan: I am enjoying hearing from all of you
Dorrie is correct about being mentally prepared for dating and know what you are looking for. It is well to consider that STD is possible at any age and if you want a “friend with benefits” remember he may have lots of other female friends too. Quite a number of older men have had surgery for prostate cancer and are looking for a female companion but not a sexual relationship. My unasked for advice is to take any dating slowly. If a relationship of any kind developes you will know the man and trust him. As I said in an earlier post, some widowers are so lonely they want to get married right away and they have not come to terms with the loss of a wife and can’t stand to be alone.
Very good points Jill. SDT in seniors is a serious problem of epidemic proportion in some parts of the country and not to be ignored. It is certainly important to know and trust the man before entering into any intimate relationship ….and to use protection.
Dorrie-You are my new hero.
Dorrie, it’s so great for you to open these “doors” about relationships and dating later in life.With several friends doing this, my concerns for them are their naivete about safety(ie.,giving out phone numbers, inviting the 2nd date to their homes), concern with whether the blind date is going to be handsome,and demonstrating adolescent behavior, such as declining invitations because “he might call.” It would be interesting to have a male discuss his perspective and
expectations.
. Great suggestions which I will certainly address in the series. Your concern is well founded. He’s probably not a stalker but safety first.
I have been discussing the male perspective with a few of my own dates and getting some surprise responses which i will be sharing with you in future blogs. Thanks so much for your input.
Thanks so much for your input
This is a very open, well written piece on a very tricky matter. I don’t know you, but I still feel proud of you. Well done. You will help so many women. It is a candidness I know the Dutch have (sometimes we are downright rude, but most of the times just very honest). I have learned that people in the USA are much more reserved. All the more applause to you.
And I hope that you will find another great love in this process too.
Greetje
You are so right about people in America being up tight in discussing sex as compared other countries and it is one subject that needs to be brought out in the open and discussed.
Would be wonderful to find another great love …I’m looking.
Thank you, Dorrie, for having started this series and kudos for your honesty and openness.
I love following your posts and look forward to more – although I am not ready for online dating yet. Never looked at one of the sites!
Annette | Lady of Style
Take a look at the sites …it is a fun read